


How to deal with the ghost of a Denubian Cow in Six easy stages.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-16
Updated: 2012-05-16
Packaged: 2017-11-05 11:44:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/406029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>More crack from me. Title is self explanatory really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to deal with the ghost of a Denubian Cow in Six easy stages.

Stage One. Locate the Ghost and set up equipment.

 

"What I don't understand" Owen complained loudly from the back of the SUV "is why WE have to deal with a ghost?"

"It's the ghost of a Denubian cow" said Jack, as he drove like a madman through the depths of the Welsh Countryside.

"Yes" Owen moaned "but it's still A COW, isn't it? It moos, produces Milk etc."

''Yeh" Jack muttered, rounding a bend in the road on two wheels ''it IS a COW, but it died so it's a Ghost now."

"Where did you learn to drive, Jack?" Gwen shouted from her position next to Owen in the back of the SUV, where she was clinging on desperately to anything within reach.

Jack splashed through a huge pond that appeared to be covering most of the road and turned into a side road. "Mars" he shouted "the dust was terrible.''

"Mars" said Tosh seriously "is uninhabitable.''

''Not when I was there" Jack yelled cheerfully as he drove through two huge iron gates at a speed more suited to a race track.

Despite the enormous size of the estate they were driving through, within a couple of minutes they reached the House. It was a very old House and had a Great Hall in the center and two wings each side that were three stories high. Jack jerked the SUV to a standstill and they all got out, slightly dazed, their legs shaky. The Large Oaken door in the center of the Great Hall opened and a very tall man with red hair came out to greet them. He was followed by a short woman with a mass of black hair that was so long it was nearly down to her knees. Behind her peeped a small boy who looked like a miniature version of the man.

The man went up to Jack and they shook hands. "I'm Marion" he said " and you must be Torchwood.''

"Marion?" hissed Owen to Gwen.

"John Wayne's real name was Marion'' Gwen replied.

"This is Bruce, my wife" Marion continued " and this is our son.''

"I'm Eight" said the boy.

"He doesn't look as old as eight" Gwen murmured to Owen and Tosh.

"I hope you can rid us of this Cow" said Marion ''it's driving us insane--mooing all night and running around the house.''

"Don't worry" Jack said firmly "it's as good as gone already. We just need a place to set up all our equipment. Somewhere central."

"The Great Hall is the best place for that'' said Marion "and it's two stories high. When we moved in it had been divided into two separate stories but we had the floor removed and it's back to its former glory now."

"Great" said Jack, beaming at the Family and showing them his brilliant white and carefully attended teeth. "O.K. everyone" he addressed his team "let's move all the stuff in.''

"Did we REALLY need so MUCH equipment?" Ianto asked, as they began to remove the boxes and containers from the SUV and carry them into the Great Hall ''after all it IS only ONE cow, isn't it, and it's ALREADY dead.''

"You never know with Denubian cows" said Jack ''it's best to be prepared for anything.''

 

Stage Two. Find your Ghost.

 

It took Team Torchwood nearly an hour to set up all the equipment that Jack thought necessary to rid the world of the Ghost of a Denubian cow. When they finally finished they all flopped onto chairs and were just about to complain to Jack, yet again, about the amount of equipment, when Bruce came in carrying a tray.

"Tea and biscuits" she exclaimed ''I thought you might need it after all your work. Dinner is at eight by the way. We don't dress."

''Naked Dinner" said Jack "I like it.''

Bruce turned slightly pink. "I mean we don't dress up specially for it " she said.

''You have an interesting name" said Gwen, as Bruce turned to leave the Hall.

"It's a tradition in our Family" said Bruce "the first Girl in my family is always a Bruce. I'm Bruce number ten. I'm hoping to ---er--well--have my own little Bruce once we get rid of this Ghost. I don't want Eight to be an only child.''

"I thought he was eight years old'' said Owen ''this is a VERY weird Family. No wonder they have an alien Ghost. It probably feels quite at home.''

They sat drinking tea and eating cookies amidst the equipment that had taken them so long to arrange. The largest thing they had brought with them was an old fashioned cabinet. The type that usually contained files. It was green and looked ancient.

"Why do we need a FILING cabinet, Jack?" Owen asked, when he had finished his tea " are you planning to FILE the ghost in it?"

"It's a lure" said Jack, calmly.

"I don't see how we can lure a ghost with a filing cabinet" said Tosh.

"It has four drawers'' Jack explained " and they each contain something Denubian Cows love. As soon as we hear it start to moo we'll open the first drawer and if that doesn't work we'll open the others."

"What exactly is IN the drawers then?" asked Gwen.

"Have a look" Jack said, getting up and opening the top drawer of the cabinet. A hideous odor polluted the air. They all looked in the drawer, holding their noses. All that was visible was something round and green and evil smelling.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" shouted Owen, backing away from the cabinet with an horrified expression.

''Moldy goats cheese" said Jack. He alone was unconcerned about the smell. He'd smelled FAR worse things than that in his long never ending life, after all.

"What's in the other drawers?" asked Ianto ''more moldy food?''

Jack opened the second drawer revealing a pack of Twenty cigarettes. " Denubian Cows like to smoke" he sighed, as his team gazed at him with more or less equal expressions of disbelief.

"It's DEAD" Owen shouted angrily "HOW THE HELL CAN IT SMOKE?"

Jack ignored Owen and opened the third drawer. This contained a pair of bright red socks. No-one commented on this at all so Jack opened the last drawer to reveal a very large bright green dildo. 

"How is THAT going to lure a Cow?" Gwen asked, trying not to sound totally exasperated and failing completely.

"They like the color green" said Jack " and apart from the cheese that was the only green thing I could find in a hurry.''

"I'm not going to ask why you have that thing" Owen muttered, sitting down in his chair and sighing "I'm just not going to ask.''

At that moment they heard a loud noise that sounded like someone trying to strangle several cats at the same time. They followed the row and discovered that it was a very tall, very fat woman playing a violin. Before they could investigate they saw Bruce poking her head around a door. When she spotted them she said "Please come this way. That's the dinner alarm.''

Dinner was served in a huge dining room occupied mostly by an enormous table and thirteen chairs. They had some kind of pink colored soup followed by lamb chops, potatoes cooked in their skins and peas and carrots. Dessert was Apple Pie and cream. Finally they had coffee and mints. They were all finishing their coffee when they heard it. The sound of hooves running somewhere above them. They looked up at the ceiling in unison and were rewarded by the sound of a cow mooing. 

''Here we go again" said Marion.

 

Stage Three. Lure your Ghost.

 

"Now we just have to lure it'' Jack announced ''let's all go to the Great Hall."

''I suppose we have to endure the smell of that cheese then" Ianto complained as they went back to the Hall.

''Yeh and we need to turn on the Compact Universal Number Two Traducer as well" Jack said, as they entered the Hall "Cunt for short.''

"So what does this Cunt do then?" asked Gwen, as Jack threw a switch and the Traducer produced a beam of orange colored light that flickered over the walls rather prettily.

Owen started to laugh. Jack glared at him. "This is a serious business" he snapped "Denubian Cows can be dangerous.''

"It's just---" cackled Owen '' Cunt for short---for short----''. He stopped laughing a moment later when the sound of the hooves and the mooing grew closer--- and closer---and closer--until-----the door flew open and the Denubian Cow actually appeared. 

Jack opened the top drawer of the filing cabinet and the smell of moldy goats cheese filled the air. The Cow rushed to the cabinet. Then it ate the moldy cheese. It ate very fast and very noisily. Team Torchwood watched it from a safe distance. Which in practice meant they were all by the main door of the Great Hall. Ready to leave quickly, if necessary. The Cow looked at them. They looked at the Cow. The Cow made a run at them and they escaped into the passage outside the Hall. The Cow followed them.

''We have to get it back in the Great Hall'' Jack shouted, as they all ran along various corridors followed by the Cow, which, for a ghost, was strikingly visible. They retraced their steps and eventually all six of them were back in the Hall. Jack slammed the door shut. They all looked at the Cow, which was standing still by the Massive Pipe Organ which covered one wall of the Great Hall. The Cow looked just like any other Cow. It was brown and white and looked quite common, in fact. 

Jack opened the second drawer of the filing cabinet and took out the pack of cigarettes. He held them up to attract the Cow's attention. It didn't seem very impressed so he got the socks out of the third drawer and waved them in the air. The Cow WAS evidently impressed with the socks because it left the Organ right away and hurried over to where Jack was holding them. Soon Jack and the Cow were eye to eye--literally.

''I THINK I've lured it now'' Jack told his team calmly ''now all we have to do is get it to leave.''

 

Stage Four. Get on the good side of your ghost.

 

''How do we get it to leave?'' shouted Tosh, from a safe position a long way from both Jack and the Cow.

''We need to interact with it'' Jack shouted back ''you know---get on its good side.''

''Why don't we just shoot it?'' asked Gwen. She was tired of the Cow already, actually, and wanted to go home to Rhys.

''Why?'' Jack yelled at her ''it's already DEAD!''

''How do we know it's dead?'' asked Ianto ''it looks quite alive to me.''

''Marion shot it six times and then they ATE most of it'' said Jack ''so it MUST be dead.''

''I admit it'' Owen told them all ''I have no idea at all how to interact with a cow--not even one that's alive.''

''Perhaps we should milk it'' Tosh suggested ''I think cows like to be milked.''

''It's dead'' Gwen told her ''it wont HAVE any milk, will it?''

"That sounds like a good idea" said Jack, he gazed into space and started to look rather vacant "it's a VERY long time since I last milked a cow'' he remarked in a dreamy voice.

''I've NEVER milked a cow" said Owen " and I'm NOT going to start with A DEAD one!''

''When DID you milk a cow, Jack?'' Ianto asked, politely.

Jack looked thoughtful. ''I THINK it was 1889'' he said ''or was it 1890---or--maybe 1888--sometime around there anyhow---I was trying to impress a Barmaid--it didn't work--so I had her Husband instead---he was HUGE---but his cock was quite small---it was a shock---I was looking for a Trenabeller at the time--they're all bald and have ten legs so it shouldn't have been difficult---that was the year when I got my left leg caught in a man-trap and bled to death--it took ages--I was so bored---then I got poisoned when some idiot served me Toadstools instead of Mushrooms--that was a very messy death---throwing up all over the place and diarrhea like you wouldn't believe---then I fell down a hole and broke my neck--I think that was the first time I broke my neck--that's a quick death---it's not hard to milk a cow anyhow--kids can do it--.''

During this rambling the Cow had begun to look quite perky. It was evidently interested in Jack and his death tales, Owen thought, which to Owen definitely proved that Denubian Cows are idiots. When Jack stopped talking the Cow leaned toward him and fluttered its eyelashes at him. Jack was delighted. ''It LIKES me'' he cried happily ''now all we need to do is get it into the beam and POOF.''

''POOF?'' Gwen, Tosh and Owen exclaimed in unison.

 

Stage Five. Get your Ghost into a position suitable for making it go POOF.

 

The Cow was reluctant to leave Jack and so getting it to move into the Cunt's orange beam proved to be impossible. Jack explained that the beam didn't damage Humans so they all stood in it and waved to the Cow. It looked bored. Jack stood in the beam and told more boring tales of his numerous deaths. The Cow looked interested but didn't go near the beam. Finally they all gave up and flopped into chairs. The Cow stood near Jack fluttering its long eyelashes and mooing quietly.

''I think I'll play the Organ'' Jack said suddenly, jumping to his feet ''move the Cunt over to the Organ. They like music.''

''Can you actually PLAY the Organ?'' Gwen asked.

''It can't be THAT difficult'' Jack said optimistically ''I can play the Mouth Organ and I can get a tune out of a length of copper pipe too.''

Five minutes later the most atrocious noise anyone had ever heard filled the Great Hall. Jack evidently COULDN'T play the Organ. Jack himself seemed oblivious to this fact though and luckily so did the Cow. The Denubian Oscillator was flickering green, helpfully indicating that the Ghost was near when they could all see it and hear it quite clearly. It stood near the Organ, gazing at Jack with a love sick expression on its face. Owen was irritated. EVERYONE fancied Jack, he thought, even dead COWS, what was wrong with HIM?

The Cow got nearer and nearer the Cunt. Jack continued his attempts to ruin the Organ. They all held their breath as the Cow moved slowly into the Orange Beam. Nothing happened. The Cow stood in the Beam. Everyone looked at the Cow standing in the Beam. Jack continued to play the Organ. Nothing happened.

''It DOESN'T WORK!'' shouted Owen " all that effort moving it across the room and the fucking thing doesn't even work!''

"You have to be patient'' Jack shouted over the noise of the Organ.

They tried to be patient. It was difficult. The Cow lay down right in the path of the Beam. Then it closed its eyes. Then it began to snore. Loudly. Jack stopped playing the Organ and they all looked at the sleeping Cow.

''I don't understand why it's still here'' Jack moaned after a moment.

''What's supposed to happen to it anyway?'' asked Ianto.

''It should just slowly disappear'' Jack sighed ''I wonder why it isn't working?''

''Are you SURE it's a Denubian Cow?'' asked Tosh.

''Of course I'm sure!'' shouted Jack enraged ''d'you think I'm an idiot or something?''

No-one commented on this. They all stood looking at the Cow which remained startlingly visible. ''I suppose we'll have to try something else'' Jack sighed after a while.

''Let's just throttle the damn thing'' snapped Owen ''I don't CARE if it's already dead. I want to kill it again. Just for fun.''

''You can't kill something twice'' said Jack.

''Why not?" Owen grumbled ''people have been trying to kill you for decades and you're still here, aren't you?''

 

Stage Six. Watch your Ghost disappear and clear up the mess it leaves behind.

 

They all sat watching the Denubian Cow sleep. Its snoring proved to be somewhat soporific because it wasn't long before Gwen and Tosh were asleep as well. Then Ianto and Owen fell asleep too. Jack closed his eyes and wondered if he could sleep. He could sometimes if he was VERY tired. He found he remained wide awake so he stood up and started walking up and down the Great Hall, bored. After some moments of this he noticed that the Cow seemed to have stopped snoring. He hurried back over to where it lay and was ecstatic to see that it was actually starting to fade from view. 

''Guys!'' he shouted to the others ''it's WORKING--LOOK.''

They all looked. It was true. The Denubian Cow was slowly fading away. The problem was, it was leaving a huge sticky yellowish green mess behind. They sat watching the Cow disappear. Soon there was nothing left except the mess on the floor. The mess stank too. Horribly.

''I suppose we'll have to clean that up'' complained Owen ''I HATE cleaning.''

''So do I'' said Gwen.

''That's what the Denubian Patent Ghost Removing Disinfectant is for'' Jack informed them all.

''What d'you call that for short then?'' asked Owen.

''Disinfectant'' Jack replied, seriously ''it smells a bit and that's why we brought the masks.''

They were wearing the masks in question when Marion and Bruce came into the Hall. They were greeted by the sight of Ianto on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor with a large red brush; Gwen, Tosh and Owen brushing the floor with brooms and Jack spraying everything liberally with a blue evil smelling mixture.

''What's happening?'' asked Marion ''where's the Cow gone? We heard it and then everything went quiet.''

''We were worried about you'' said Bruce.

''We got rid of the Cow'' Jack exclaimed "I told you we would. We're just cleaning up the mess. Getting rid of Denubian Cow Ghosts is a messy business but don't worry. We'll leave it as good as new.''

''It's actually GONE?'' gasped Marion ''really?''

''Yep'' Jack said cheerfully.

''I can hardly believe it'' Marion said.

''We thought when we ate it that would solve the problem'' Bruce explained ''we couldn't get it to leave when it was alive you see. One day it wasn't here and then it was and we couldn't make it leave. But even eating it didn't get rid of it. We are so grateful. Is there ANYTHING, anything at all we can give you to show our gratitude?''

''Your lovely smiling faces are enough for us'' said Jack, evidently thinking he had strayed into a Soap Opera by mistake. Owen scowled at him but Jack was oblivious. "We're here to rid the world of unwanted aliens'' he said ''the 21st Century is when it all happens and we're ready for anything. All for one and one for all or something like that.''

''He's off again'' Owen said quietly to Gwen, Tosh and Ianto as they listened to Jack talking rubbish to Bruce and Marion.

''Yes, but he's gorgeous isn't he?'' said Gwen.

''And MINE'' remarked Ianto. He had to have the final word and he wasn't sharing Jack with anyone.

''Of course'' said Gwen ''but he is GORGEOUS all the same.''

They watched Jack talking. He was covered in blue disinfectant and smelled horrible but looked fantastic as usual. Owen reflected that only Jack could get away with talking absolute rot about ridding the world of aliens and being ready and get away with it. They weren't ready actually. However, he reflected, they HAD gotten rid of one alien Ghost, that was a start. Perhaps next time they could try dealing with two at once.

''The 21st Century is when it all happens'' Jack said again, unaware of Owen's thoughts, as usual ''and Torchwood is ready.''

Marion, Bruce, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh and Owen applauded. Jack bowed. All was right with the world. For a moment, anyhow.

 

THE END.


End file.
